… OR WATCH OUT! THERE’S AN INDIAN CLARINET ABOUT!

We are in business and get a great kick out of making customers happy. We have a conscience about how we do business and hate to see people wasting good money on bad buys as a result of being deceived by unscrupulous sellers who are dishonest or present their descriptions and pictures in such a way that even a careful buyer can be misled. This has happened to us more than once so there is no reason for us to feel superior about it!

We hate seeing innocent people ‘being done’ and many, including ourselves, have been parted from their cash by buying instruments like the one featured below. We learned our lesson the hard way and do not want you to repeat our mistake. Put simply, if you come across an Indian clarinet on eBay, or anywhere else, leave it well alone. They are big trouble. Let us show you what we mean.
 

The first of the two pictures above is an Indian clarinet. The second picture is a Buffet B12 clarinet which is very widely played and a good representative of 'proper' clarinets. It does not take a trained eye to see immediately that they are quite different instruments. The Indian one does not have a lot of the stuff the Buffet has. (Trying not to get too technical there, folks!). The Indian clarinet has only two (instead of four) levers for the right hand first finger, and two (instead of four) for the right hand little finger. This is clearer still in the second pair of pictures.

The quality of Indian clarinets is so low that there are to all intents and purposes unplayable or nearly so. That in itself should be reason enough to avoid them. Apart from that, there is the fact that they use the Albert playing system whereas the generally accepted clarinet uses the Boehm system. The Albert system is a simplified one and is used in some folk music contexts but there is a major problem:.you are most unlikely to find a teacher who will willingly teach on an Albert system instrument even if it is made properly. The Albert system is therefore of no use at all to anyone planning to have lessons except perhaps in Eastern Europe or India! Furthermore as far as we know, there is no tutor book in English which is based on this system (no doubt some folk musician will correct us if we are wrong!) The fingering begins to differ from Boehm system very early and we honestly doubt whether any teacher in a school setting would tolerate one of these instruments much beyond the first MONTH of learning.

Is there something to be said for getting a clarinet that is very cheap knowing that it will only last for the first month, if you suspect that your child may not persevere any longer than that? Well, you weigh it up: the alternatives in this price range are a new Chinese clarinet which is likely to be low quality and unlikely to last very long but will at least be Boehm system, a used instrument (make sure it is in full working order!) or renting. You make the choice: we know what we would suggest!
 

In the second pair of pictures, the differences are if anything, even more easily seen. Also visible is red thread instead of cork used for the joints. Red plastic has also been used for the pads as can be seen from the right hand picture. As far as we know there is no compelling reason against red plastic but it does make for rather an odd appearance and is a dead giveaway.

WHO SELLS THESE THINGS?

Firstly, there are the Indians themselves who advertise their wares at bargain prices. The prices are very cheap indeed - $15 plus shipping for a clarinet. Common sense should tell one that you don’t get a decent new, or even much used, instrument for that kind of money especially when they are open about the fact that it is an Albert system model. If you take a look through their eBay feedback you will inevitably uncover a trail of unsatisfied customers. Don’t join them. All Indian instruments made for the western market are worth avoiding. Indian violins are also a disaster. Some English sellers have spotted an opportunity for a quick profit and are buying these in and selling them as traders. Usually the description on these is honest so you only have yourself to blame!

Secondly, there are people who have bought these instruments on eBay and who have a conscience about it. They are honest about the mistake they have made and put the clarinets up clearly and accurately described with little hope of getting much for them. We’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt! We made an 80% loss on the one we bought and have shown below how we listed it. The buyer knew exactly what they were getting and bought it for spares. Another good use is lampstands. We alerted one seller who listed one in all innocence and on being informed she withdrew it completely. Well done spinkleton – you’re a great eBayer.

Thirdly, there are the ‘clever’ ones. The clarinet is listed very skillfully and there is a picture as well. He does not tell you that it plays (because it doesn’t) but is eager to tell you he does not know much about clarinets. If you don’t know any better, the picture looks good. The description is impressive not for what it says but for what it does not say. Tread carefully. Buyer beware. You want to convince yourself it’s exactly what you want, and he will be glad to help you. We'd love to boot this kind out but we can't and they know how to look after themselves. You’ll have yourself to blame. One such character helped a newbie (very first time buyer) to divest himself of £92 plus postage for one, very little less than he might have paid for a reliable used Buffet or Yamaha.

Fourthly, there is the ‘do-others-as-I-have-been-done-myself’ brigade who are worthy of nothing other than contempt. They made their mistake and they are not going to lose their money. O, my word, no! They are going to pass it on and get their money back, and use every trick in the book if necessary to do it. These people make our blood boil and we would love to write to everybody who bids in their auctions, but of course we shouldn’t. They don’t all break any rules, although many of them do, but distort the occasional one to breaking point. The truth is a very carefully presented commodity. New? Yes! You think he means the instrument, but he’s talking about the reed and the wording is not completely clear is it? Second thoughts though - he might be right - it would still be new if nobody succeeded in getting a note out of it! Plays perfectly? He says he has been told it does, doesn’t play himself. Ha! His mynah bird told him! If we had it in our power we would drum this kind of character out of business.

We don’t claim to be clarinet experts but Liz will be glad to give her opinion if you think you have come across anything like this and would be tempted if it was genuine. We feel strongly about good folks being cheated and unfortunately this kind of thing is on the increase. If you think we may be able to help in any way please do email us, and Liz will do her best. If you come across other unsatisfactory practices in the sale of musical instruments on eBay which others should be warned, please let us know about them too.

FINALLY ...

HERE'S HOW LIZ DESCRIBED THE MONSTROSITY WE HAD ON eBAY 

KEY FEATURES

• Perfectly awful clarinet, any sane teacher will refuse to teach on it.
• Playing order? You mean you want to play it?
• This is what caveat emptor really means ...
• Boehm system? What's that?
• Red plastic pads, a real touch of retro ...
• Case? No chance! It would cost more than the clarinet!
• Guarantee? No hope!
• Come back Lark and Parrot, all is forgiven!

 LOT DETAILS

As traders, you win some, you lose some. We lost this one. Alas we left feedback before we realised what it was. It played so I left positive feedback. It didn't play after that .... well, it plays for a few seconds, then it demands a rest. We took it to Roger Price our repairer (we need repairing frequently) and he told us it was an Indian one. We are honest and we refuse just to put it back up and pass it to some other poor mug as a beginner's clarinet (actually this was sold as "not a school clarinet", I assumed that meant it was better .... silly me ...). Frankly I would rather have given the 70-odd quid to charity, but then perhaps the seller was duped themselves and needed the money badly. I hope so!

It's made out of a bakelite type material that doesn't even smell right, it smells like, well, old plastic, the joints are covered with red thread instead of cork, and the clarinet has a very simplified system. The pads are made of some horrible red plastic material that reminds me more of very cheap shoes from the early 70s than of anything else. I assume they are original because I can't imagine anyone would have been able to play this clarinet long enough for it actually to need repadding. O yes, and the two main sections don't seem overkeen on coming apart.

There is no brand name. But we trust Roger's judgment as to the likely place of origin. Anyway it's fairly obvious to anyone that it is not a normal clarinet (we first thought it was simplified because it was old ... pretty thick of us, well OK, me, really, in view of the fact that it's plastic ... brain has turned off after having been three years out of teaching)

So what is it of use for? Well a music shop could use it as an object lesson perhaps, or maybe some of the parts will fit another clarinet (no guarantees there though!) or maybe some drama or art class might like it as a prop, someone might like it for a piece of modern art (no accounting for taste is there) or perhaps it could be used for adult entertainment, or maybe you might get a few notes out of it enough to convince yourself to buy a proper one (just don't attempt B, that is a non-note as far as this clarinet is concerned)

Sorry but I cannot bring myself to play this one.

If you are reading this in horror because you are a parent who was thinking of buying a "too good to be true" musical instrument, bear in mind the old adage that if something seems too good to be true it probably is, and read my very modest article on the subject which you can reach by clicking on "more info"